A Small Bit of Hope for the future… my progress pictures

Having one of those days where I need reminding that I have made progress. Some days I feel old and achy, and feel like I am not making progress. I am wearing the same shirt/tank here. I can see a small amount of progress… but I have to remember I also had a back injury in between the 3/10/2018 and yesterdays picture. Every day I look in the mirror I don’t see the progress. I know a lot of people have body dysmorphia and I am not a special snow flake, but that is why I take the pictures. (note: I am un-diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia, however, based on the fact that I focus on the negative and do not see the progress its a red flag and easy leap to make that assessment.) So at moments like these I can go back and look. Maybe an see some progress/hope to see progress. The pictures are my small hope that in the future I will see something better.

Please know I am not crying out for positive feedback. I don’t ever want to put the burden of constantly holding me up on my community, friends, and family. However, this is how I cope with some of the negative feelings that crop up. I look at my pictures, try to find some positive things/changes, and then soldier on. I can not make changes if I just sit there in inaction. So no matter how bad I feel, I push through. I acknowledge I am feeling this way, talk to people I trust, and then push through.

I don’t know if this will help anyone. But like I said this is how I try to cope. One day I will look back and hopefully be surprised how far I have come. My little bit of hope I put out into the world. =)

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Fitness Progress…2014 to now 2019

Fair warning there will be before and after pictures of me. There may be a lot of them… I have yet to decide. I hope I will have a clearer idea at the end of this post. I guess I should.

This will be a up to 2019 post, and I hope to do comparison posts every 3 months or so after this. We will see.

Lets see… I had stopped working out for a good 15 years. Wait no 14 years. I just had to calculate that, and that really is a long time. I estimate I stopped working out around 23 years old. Spring forward to 2014, where I am 33 years old. I have a 5 and a 6 year old. They are finally potty trained and are able to comprehend that Mama does other things than hold them all the time.

I would look in the mirror and hate what I was seeing. Lets be honest… I still hate what I see. I have all my life, but that is neither here nor there. Its very hard to get over your formative years with someone you respect, love and cherish, that calls you names and tells you that you are fat and ugly. When all I wanted to do was make her happy. I could not. I know that now. I know that she is a very angry person and took it out on me both physically and mentally. But all I see is a fat and ugly person in the mirror, even though I have lost 70 lbs. I even saw that person when I was my lightest and wore a size 2 in college.

I digress… lets see here I am at 2014 at 33. Ack ewww…

And here I am, 2018, and 38 years old: Meh…

I started taking photos of myself even though I hate them so that I could see if there was any progress.

Head shots, this was an after workout photo circa 2014. Ack…

And now a photo from just this week. I can see a difference but only when I compare two photos together. I have more visible tattoos and a nose piercing now. Hah!

Now some side photos…

Circa 2014… so cringe worthy… I actually debated putting this up.

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2019, current body shape

Ok at this point, I am debating just deleting this whole blog post. I don’t like my pictures and possible I never will. Why is it so hard to post this? Maybe I feel vulnerable? My little inner demons nipping away at my heels. Saying, “you are ugly and fat, and no one wants to see this.” But this is my progress. Not as far as I would love to be after 4 years., but I have had some setbacks. The kidney stone, cancer being a major one, broken toe, and then herniated disk. I tell my friends to be kind to themselves. Why is it so hard for me to be kind to myself? I strive for perfection I will never have… I guess…

If you got this far in the read, you deserve a metal. You have gotten to see one of my biggest inner brain weasels rear its ugly little head. Thanks for reading.